12 Days of Christmas Journal – The Truth

Hello fellow bloggers,

Earlier this year, I used to keep a monthly calendar and happily cross of out each day with a giant X. Has anyone else had the problem where they don’t like the look of X’s all over the bedroom wall calendar? Call me superstitious but they looked like the X’s you get when you get a bad school grade or that the cartoons draw over dead characters…just too negative. Instead I started using checkmarks✔️ at the end of each day. I ended up putting checkmarks in a rush because I always felt too stressed to care at the end of the day so that calendar got messy too. Then, I tried crossing each day out with letters that would eventually form a positive word. So “J” for Friday, “O” for Saturday and “Y” for Sunday and then in would spell out JOY when I saw the calendar at the end of the week/month. The calendar would spell out positive words that made me smile. It was a good solution that you could try if you have the same issue. Although I stopped recording in the calendar in the first week of November because I felt like a fraud.

No matter how many positive words I spelt out, I wasn’t really happy and each day that I crossed of a date in my calendar just reminded me of how many days I had wasted pretending I wasn’t bothered by the life path I had chosen. This year of quarantine caused me to realize I had surrounded myself with people and activities that consumed who I was for the past few years. As if on autopilot, I repeatedly dedicated hours into achieving an image and a reputation that wasn’t true to myself. So I guess one good thing really did come from 2020: I had time away from external influences to re-evaluate how I spend this critical time of development in my life. I reflected on what find of personalities and influences I should be allowing into my personal circle. It can be easy to get so caught up in maintaining the reputation or the glory that comes when you dedicate yourself to certain people’s desired activities and agendas. However, I do not want to waste my youth living someone else’s dream until it’s too late to change my life path without serious consequences.

So over the past month I have decided that anyone or anything that hinders me from fulfilling my destiny or following my core values is not someone with my best interests at heart; they are not someone that should be in my circle and certainly not dictating my life decisions. It can be hard to face that truth when it means that you could lose friends who meant so much to you, lose the respect of loved ones, lose reputation or even just lose faith in long-held ideologies.

The truth sets you free though. In 2020, my truth was revealed to me and in 2021, I am free. The time for mental slavery is over. This time next year, I refuse to be stressing, hustling. slaving over anyone or anything that I am not truly passionate about. It’s a new chapter now and I am the main character for better or for worse.

One month ago, I threw out my calendars because I couldn’t continue to write fake, positive words when I was living a miserable lie.

The first thing I did this morning is pull back out the calendar from the recycling and now I’m crossing every damn day off that calendar with glee as I count down the days to my F…R…E…E…D…O…M. I’m finished hiding from my full-potential and my true self because of fear. I know the truth now about who I am and in accepting it I have been set free.

The song of the day is: ” The Truth” by James Arthur, my musical idol for almost a decade now and perhaps the first one to inspire me to face my inner truth.

I set fire to the glory, I set fire to the dream
I set fire to the only thing that lead me from the streets…
‘Cause now I’ve opened my eyes and I have found a way to breathe
The truth sets me free…
I broke my back to make a breakthrough, oh
I lost my mind, look what it came to, oh
I had to lose it all so I could understand…. The truth sets me free…

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